At each EuropeServicing gathering, we seek to bring out the best in people on stage. And we do. We're lucky though, because our panellists are fantastic. But in the runup to each event, we seem to bring out the worst in people. Here's a little sampling of what we face on a daily basis, behind the scenes. It's not all bad, though. Some snippets turn into gems, bringing gales of laughter into the office, and we always manage to extract some humor, even only in the process of crafting how we would have
liked to have responded. But didn't.
Monday | email from the PA of the CEO of a specialist UK law firm: "Please send my boss further details on your servicing event in London"
Tuesday | email from the other PA of the same CEO from the same law firm: "Please take (boss's name) off of your mailing list effective immediately"
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND: Dear left-hand does not know what the right hand is doing...
"Dear EuroCatalyst, please find attached our free VIP invitation for registration. Please confirm your receipt."
-- sent by an executive search firm who used a personalised invitation that had been sent to an investor.
"Dear Toni, I want to congratulate you on the accuracy of your programme. It reads as though it was written by someone who works in the industry!"
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND: "Dear so-and-so, I confess. I actually do work in the industry! I have for the past 14 years! But don't tell anyone, it's a surprise!
Please shorten your programme session descriptions, we are busy and do not have time to read it. What is important to us are the speakers and what they will be discussing. Also, your film descriptions take away from the seriousness of the topics.
SUNG (IN A RATHER LOUD VOICE) IN THE OFFICE: I gotta be me.
Are you guys serious? What do films have to do with mortgages?
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND: Dear so-and-so, Have you ever wondered why the phrase, "what goes up must come down" is so popular? It's a metaphor for gravity. We like to use metaphors that transfer the meaning of one thing into another. It accelerates the learning curve and besides, its more fun.
Are you the same person who just wrote that last e-mail?
We noticed that Dominic Swan is listed as a panellist. Is he really going to be there?
GOING THROUGH OUR MIND: Is Dominic Swan ever REALLY there? One never knows for sure. But he promised to be, and his promises are usually kept.
Why do you have sessions on funding? I'm not in funding, I thought this was a servicing conference!
IN OUR THOUGHTS:
You got me on that one. Okay, EuropeServicing is the EuroCatalyst event, but backwards. Servicing is kind of like Ginger Rogers to Fred Astaire. She did everything he did but backwards, and in high heels! We look at the value chain backwards, from a servicing perspective. That includes funding.
We focus on Spain, we are not interested in Europe.
HELLO: Europe is very interested in Spain.
Hi Folks, Fear, suspense and horror . . . I like the theme . . . and that's just me meeting up with my former boss again! I am looking forward to seeing you on the 28th
We're strictly focused on the U.S. market, do you even have rating agencies in Europe?
George, I told you not to write me at this e mail address!
Why are there 3 people from GMAC-RFC on your panels this year?
We provide highly specialised content that we expect our panellists to live up to. That means that we rely on particular individuals who are able to think quickly, articulate better than most and improvise ideas "on the fly".
GMAC-RFC is renowned for hiring individuals who can execute in thought and practice. We have seen their operations first-hand, their staff tend to be the most transparent and available to discuss complex industry issues more than anyone else in the industry, and their business model has been one of the best in Europe prior to the credit crisis. If GMAC-RFC is facing difficulty you know the entire market is broken.
Furthermore, Stephen Hynes was the first issuer that we approached and only issuer willing to discuss media coverage of the mortgage crisis on the "Wag the Dog" panel; Craig Beresford has pioneered the European "mortgage trader" model initiated by Stephen Knight at GMAC-RFC, and Frank Roessig is the only person in the industry who actually "gets it" with regard to the benefits of scenario planning and product development in virtual worlds.
Full disclosure: GMAC-RFC has never been a private client of EuroCatalyst. It has sponsored our annual event twice in the past 6 years (in 2003 and 2005).
Dear Sirs, how much does it cost for a speaking slot for my boss?
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND:
Hmm, now there's an opportunity for profit!
...because this is such a prestigious event I will lower my required speaking fee to GBP 10,000.
WHOA: Dear obscure academic whom we admire because we stay up all night reading research but fear that no one else will know who you are ...
Toni, we are so sorry. We are not allowed to speak publicly in this environment. There is too much "headline risk" this year for us to participate.
We received similar responses from more than 15 banks across Europe. Most were written with genuine care and a clearly lot of frustration in between the lines of the letter.
Although we understand the disastrous consequences of misplaced headlines, one would think that now is the time to show up and reassure the audience and the public - if coverage actually reaches them - that these institutions are fully on top of their servicing and administration, that they do not want to repossess homes from their customers and that they care deeply about customers fears and concerns and any issues will be addressed and treated with the utmost concern.
While the authors of these memos tended to agree with our perspective - particularly those who have always been the first to enthusiastically show up when the event is announced - all claimed that their hands were tied by their respective PR departments.
Hey Toni, congratulations on getting so many investors to participate this year, perhaps all of that hard work over the years has finally paid off! Unfortunately, because investors are attending, we cannot sit on a panel at this time.
The winds are calm in the channel. The boat will sail at midnight! Why are we whispering, are we trying to hide something?
Toni, sorry but my boss said that you guys are too Pollyanny and your event is a waste of time.
Sorry that so-and-so is such a jerk but hey, I still believe in you guys. Be sure to send me the transcripts, I don't want to miss anything!
RUNNING THROUGH TONI'S MIND, BUT NOT IN HER E-MAIL: Dear so and so, Thank you for continuing to believe in us. I will be sure to mention your boss onstage. Just kidding. Maybe. With much love and squalor, Pollyanna.
Dear Mr. Moss,
My boss will be attending your event as a delegate. Please have a car available to pick him at the Mandarin Oriental Hotel at 0830.
Dear so and so,
Unfortunately, our limousine service is fully booked that morning. Had you contacted us earlier, we would have told Mr. Soros that a more important delegate needed a ride to the venue.
Dear Toni and Shirley,
Our firm is entirely dedicated to the servicing sector and we support your efforts. We will not be sponsoring the event this year and will not pay to attend. However we are happy to provide speakers to discuss our products and approach to the sector.
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND: Dear so-and-so, thank you for all of your support. Rest assured, we are entirely dedicated to fighting this uphill battle to bring servicing issues to the forefront of the industry, spending 6 months of our time and tens of thousands of pounds to provide a platform from which you can sell your products and expertise at no cost to you. Could you perhaps lend me five quid for a cup of coffee during the session breaks?
Hi Toni, haven't seen you since Barcelona! If you need a voice of independence from a vendor on your panel I'm all yours! Besides, we're just getting the new firm set up and we need the exposure!
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND:
Dear so-and-so, we've been acquaintances for a long time. I am not sure why I am so popular each year about a month before each event, but I trust that your letter is very well intended. What is it that you are selling, and how does it relate to the topics on the programme? Will the audience thank me for introducing you to them and comment on how much value you have added to the discussion? What perspective do you bring to the topics that is new and different? In short, what do we get out of it?
Dear Mr. Moss,
Thank you for your long letter and your interesting explanation of mortgage servicing in Europe and why you produce this event. We are a BPO provider and offshoring company, we do not see that EuroServicing promotes offshoring enough to suit our needs. If we could have a one hour presentation we might consider paying some money because you appear to have some big names in your programme.
OH-OH-OH (SIGH): Dear so-and-so,
Where do I begin? I have always assumed that business process outsourcing was an integral part of the overall servicing sector, but you know what happens when you assume things! We actually do address outsourcing and offshoring but like everything else, we insist on an even balance across the programme on the diversity of tools and business models as well as a balanced view of the entire value chain. That said, if your one hour presentation is better than anything that Pat Butler of McKinsey can deliver, or Jean Louis Bravard can recite from memory, we might consider altering the entire programme to accommodate your speaker and we won't charge you a penny!
Dear Toni, thank you for your kind note. We found your explanation and description of the mortgage value chain very interesting. May we have an original copy of your attached slide and can we use it in our marketing materials? In the meantime, I am sorry that we have to decline your invitation to participate in EuropeServicing. We are in mortgage processing, which is different from servicing.
HO-HUM: Dear so-and-so, too bad you are not a drug company. I could use some Prozac!
Toni, the trading desk asked me to respond to you. We're a captive servicer, this event does not apply to us. Maybe next time!
... : I'm confused. Since when are captive servicers not involved in servicing? And what happens next time?
Thank you for taking the time to meet with us in London, we find your knowledge exhaustive and you gave us so many new ideas and areas to explore. We're not interested in your event at this time. We do not like to discuss our company in front of our competition. Our proprietary knowledge and intellectual capital is too valuable to share with others.
Don't you just love irony?
Thank you for the panel slot, please confirm that I can have 3 complimentary passes for my other colleagues to attend with me.
-- sent from a panellist whom we adore and apparently does not realise that there are 61 other panellists and only 300 seats.
We are a mortgage packager, your event does not relate to our line of business.
We view packaging as the beginning of the mortgage administration and servicing spectrum. You bring up a good point, however. One of the biggest problems in the global mortgage industry is the lack of awareness and education on the dynamics of how the industry actually works. This message proves that point. Now would be a very good time to alter your business model, by the way, you might consider taking a look at the scope and potential of the servicing sector.
Please stop harassing us, we do not want to sponsor your event in Cannes!
Hmmm, our event in Cannes? Am I missing something here????
Your programme is brilliant, but you guys are in the wrong business!
What? These aren't the Academy Awards? NOW you tell me!
You guys are casting pearls before swine!
HOW WE DIDN'T RESPOND: Funny, the Japanese said that we were selling gold coins to a cat. The Turks told us that an ass does not appreciate fruit compote. The Chinese said that we are playing music to cows. The Mexicans said that honey is not made for a
donkey's mouth. And the Belgian judges have given us no points at all!
But heck, it just means that the audience who does come are none of those things.
Personally I like the Turkish metaphor the best!
Toni Moss to Cassidy Flanagan: We'll be sitting at eye level? Don't forget to write to all of the women and any Scotsmen who are on panels and remind them not to wear skirts onstage!
Dear Cassidy, I can confirm with certainty that we would most definitely not be sponsoring your event this year.
- a representative of an investment bank who eventually was bought by another investment bank with a great deal of government assistance.
Toni, I am on the ____ panel. Are 23 slides too many?
To my favorite panellist, I will rearrange your session to the last one of the day. You are free to continue until the last person has left the room.
Shirley Jackson, picking up the office phone: "Good afternoon, EuroCatalyst. Uh huh. Aw bull, this is Tim Skeet. No Tim, I'm not falling for it this time! Skeet, you are so full of it! What? You're really the guy coming to plaster the walls?"
Toni Moss, calling Tim Skeet: "Hi, is Tim at his desk? No? I thought it was your turn to watch him, how could you let him run loose? Okay, tell him that...tell him that his wife's divorce lawyer called. Yes. Just give him the message. Thank you."